so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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