and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
