when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
they're like a gay fantastic four
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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