it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
