i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
People in love make me want to vomit
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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