Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
