He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
