Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
