I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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