goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
