do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
