Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
