How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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