At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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