my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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