Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize