We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
