Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
