If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
