the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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