he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
