I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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