I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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