He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
