Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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