Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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