I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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