This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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