the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
