so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Randomize
