i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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