sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
