How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I think your dad took our porno
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize