is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
