She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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