theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Randomize
