does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
