I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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