too bad you live with your parents still
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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