I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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