new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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