I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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