I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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