the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
