Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
