Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
