This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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