I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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