I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
