You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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