It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
