You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
