I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
