I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize