Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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