Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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